News Floozy

Giggling-When-At-A-Loss-For-Material Journalist.

Eminence Front

The 999 Steps Of The Palamidi Castle of Nafplion, Greece Is A Metaphor That "The Milestone Of Conceit, Is Not Worth A Mile Of Exercise".

In The Likeliness Of Perpetuitous Procreation

God Gave Us Birth-Control When He Inherently Kept The Sperm Away From The Ovary.

Righteousness Oppressors

Why Is It So Counter-Intuitive That Those Who Get Kick-Backs, Have Already Given Away The Store?

Gut Check Your Schizophrenia

If It Doesn't Feel Like It's You, Why Tell Others?

On Capturing And Saving Peoples' Wooziness

When The People Start Using The People They've Already Created, The Game Will Stop Eliminating Them.

Seven-Segment Display

So You Got It Going Again

Nice Job On The Model!
Keep It Up!

"Herstory"

Seth Meyers: March is National Women's History Month. Here to comment is our own Will Forte.

Will Forte: Thank you, Seth. Hello. I am here because I could not be more excited about Women's History Month -- or, should I say "Women's Herstory Month".

Seth Meyers: Oh.

Will Forte: You see how I just changed the word "History" for the word "Herstory", Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I-I saw that.

Will Forte: So, uh, to celebrate this great occasion, I did a lot of research and wrote a pretty amazing song about Great Women in Herstory. I did it again. Did you see that?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Will Forte: And this song is SO good, that I've been trying to get every high school in America to teach it in class. But it's been a tough sell because, full disclosure, I've been asking them for a lot of money to use it. And they're being real cheapskates about it. Hey, look -- I know that $50,000 per school is a lot of money. But I ask you, you stupid high schools of America: How do you put a price on women's herstory? Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: Yeah. No, I see it every time.

Will Forte: Okay. Anyway, you be the judge. Here's the song. It is called "Women's Herstory: Did You See What I Did?" [ he riffs ] I like to start with a little riffing at the beginning.

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Will Forte: So -- and one, two, three, four!

[ singing ]

"Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi, government
Emily Dickinson, books.

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
You should have been paid more money than men.
Good job, women!
Terrific job, women!
Your history is now "herstory" -- See what I did there?

Sally Ride, space woman
Mary Tyler Moore threw that hat
Diane Keaton wore a tie like a dude
And Helen Keller said "Waaa!"

Good job, women!
Good job, women!
Enjoy the month of March, 'cause that's all you get.
Good job, women!
And good song, Will Forte!
What good information that should be taught in school.

High schools of America, what are you thiiiinkiiiing?
Kids should learn about the wife of President Lincoln -- I do not know her name.
I'm sorry, this section is kind of a digression
But I just wanted everyone to know what dicks the high schools are being.
But back to women now!

Miss Piggy, talking pig
Betty Crocker, cake
The Snapple Lady was a Snapple salesman
Gandhi is a man, he is not on the list.

Good job, women!
Bad job, high schools!
What a great song, I think it's worth fifty grand.
Cheap, cheap high schools!
Run by a-holes!
I'm going to start my own school and teach only this song!

You dipstick high school!
You brought this on yourself!
Wait 'til I start my own school and take all of your kids!

Will Forte High School!
Where all of the kids ace the Women's History portion OF THEIR S.A.T's!"

Suck it American high schools! You guys are freakin' herstory -- Did you see what I did there?

Seth Meyers: I did! Will Forte, everyone! Thank you!

Will Forte: Thank you.

Police Abduction by Quota

NYPD Officer claims pressure to make arrests
Officer Criticizes Police Quotas
Falls Church Police Must Meet Quota For Tickets

Anchor Babies

A Child Born Of Illegal Aliens In The United States Is A Device By Which A Family Can Find A Legal Foothold In The US, Since Those Children Are Automatically Allowed To Choose United States Citizenship.

"The Supreme Court has never explicitly ruled on whether children born in the United States to illegal immigrant parents are entitled to birthright citizenship via the 14th Amendment, although it has generally been assumed that they are.
A birth certificate issued by a U.S. state or territorial government is evidence of citizenship, and is usually accepted as proof of citizenship." - Wikipedia

Monetary Values

Instead Of Saying "Twenty Billion Dollars", Why Not Say "Twenty Thousand Millionaires' Money"?

Free Market Dysfunction

Everything's Made To Be Broken.
If It Doesn't Break, They Won't Sell More Of Them!

What Do You Think, I'm From Mars?

New Jobs?
What's That?
I Thought We Were Maxed Out Already!

Kid Dumping

Just Because She Doesn't Like Baking Cookies, Doesn't Allow Her To Dump The Kids Off At The Government!

Definition Of Military Torture

As defined by Title 18, US Code, Section 2340, it is any act committed by a person acting under color of law specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering (other than pain or suffering incidental to lawful sanctions) upon another person within his custody or physical control.

"Severe mental pain or suffering" means the prolonged mental harm caused by or resulting from:

(a) the intentional infliction or threatened infliction of severe physical pain or suffering;

(b) the administration or application, or threatened administration or application, of mind-altering substances or other procedures calculated to disrupt profoundly the senses or personality;

(c) the threat of imminent death; or

(d) the threat that another person will imminently be subjected to death, severe physical pain or suffering, or the administration or application of mind-altering substances or other procedures calculated to disrupt profoundly the senses or personality. (JP 2-01.2)

The House With The Baby's Gold Plated Potty

In Retrospect, Is It Counter-Intuitive That Procreation Is An Answer, Path, Conclusion, Reason Or Outcome For A Perpetual Manifestation?

Defense Pretense

Offenders Often Claim To Be Victims Of Society Where Acts Of Violence Create Other Victims That Offend Others Claiming To Be Victims, Ad Infinitum.

Reality Disconnect

Repeat After Me:
I Have Not Known.
I Do Not Know.
I Will Not Know.

How Raising Taxes Decreases State Revenue

When A Dollar Leaves The State Due To A Consumer Crossing The Border To Buy A Less Expensive Good Or Service, It Becomes Someone Else's Income.

When This Person Spends The Dollar On A Less Expensive Good Or Service, It Becomes Another Person's Income To Be Spent Again On Another Good Or Service, Ad Infinitum.

Each Time The Dollar Is Spent Out Of The State, It Loses Potential Tax On That Item.

As The Slogan Goes, "Once Bitten, Twice Shy".

Living Beyond One's Means

As With Jay Leno's Car Collection, The Average Person Can't Afford A Children Collection.